The subject of money is among the greatest sources of conflict and tension in a marriage or committed relationship — especially during difficult economic times. Money is a domain powerfully connected to passionate beliefs and values, intense emotion, and meaningful implications regarding financial choices. Where there is harmony in these areas in an intimate relationship, there is financial and relational freedom. Where there is difference, conflict and tension can become both overwhelming and destructive.
Conflicts about money are often connected to particular behaviors or habits. Perhaps you practice well the art of fiscal saving and budgeting. Perhaps you engage often in financial investing or charitable giving. Perhaps you engage in excessive spending. While we all tend to participate in a variety of financial behaviors, there are often financial trends pertaining to our financial habits.
If you took an inventory of your financial behavior, how would you classify the choices you and your partner display? What are the areas of behavior appearing to be similar or harmonious? Where do financial habits tend to differ or contribute to tension in your home?
It is preferable that our financial behaviors are congruent with the economic values we hold. However, that is not always the case either as a consistent experience or during particular financial seasons. As you consider your financial values, where might they align with your behaviors? Are there areas of financial habits that differ from your financial values? If so, why might this be the case? How might your partner speak to his/her experience in this realm?
Tension and conflicts regarding money are much more than conversations about differences in beliefs or behaviors surrounding money. The emotions that we experience in the presence of financial values and habits are often the most significant contributor toward the conflicts that surround a couple. The presence of emotion is an important contributor in guiding our choices, as well as understanding our response to the financial choices of others.
When you consider your financial habits, how would you describe feeling? What emotions arise when reflecting on your partner’s relationship with money? What financial behaviors are most consistent with feelings of contentment, joy, pleasure, peace? What financial choices occur in the presence of fear, anxiety, anger, sadness? Where there is greater understanding about the emotions that coexist with financial values and choices, there is also the opportunity to explore alternatives toward creating preferred experiences — both financially, emotionally, and ultimately within your relationship.
It is valuable to remember our relationship with money has a significant history in our life long before entering an intimate relationship. Family experiences pertaining to money and the presence of financial legacies offer a tremendous influence in creating or extinguishing tensions of financial matters. When differing expectations and choices pertaining to money arise, it’s important to return to an understanding about the family histories and experiences shaping a partner’s financial behavior. In this way, it also a valuable exercise to examine emotional, verbal and/or behavioral responses to your partner’s fiscal beliefs and choices.
As you and your partner discuss finances within your household, I encourage you to speak with one another about the histories of money within each of your families and the financial hopes that you have for your present family. Use the questions provided here to act as a guide toward beginning conversations that will enhance communication about the influence of money in your home. As a note of suggestion — plan a time to discuss these elements when a conflict about money is not currently taking place and both partners desire to share as well as to seek understanding about their partner’s perspectives.
As financial stressors and challenges present themselves in marriages or families, it may be helpful to consult with resources within our community that may aid in lessening the load of the journey. Collaborating with financial counselors or advisers may lend significant assistance in resolving financial dilemmas and creating solutions toward financial freedom. Additionally, engaging in conversations with a family therapist may also lend further support in building preferred ways of experiencing intimate relationship — with money and with your loved one. As you journey, I wish you financial and relational success.
Shannon Renae West, MS LMFT is a licensed family therapist working with adolescents and young adults on the greater Eastside. For more information, visit www.ShannonRenae.com.
