The topic of self-esteem is a relatively new idea. It is a term that has been socially constructed within recent years as our culture has given greater attention to how we make meaning of our lives and our place within the world. It is often challenging to discuss ideas of self-esteem in clear or concrete terms, for it is a term that is intangible and impossible to objectively measure.

As such, it is my hope that this column will serve as a way of offering dialogue and a means of considering the complexities of self-esteem. It is also my desire to encourage ways of further discussing the importance and the value of building self-esteem within the lives of those within our community.

What is self-esteem? Self-esteem, also known as self-image, refers to the thoughts and feelings that we carry about ourselves, as well as the value or worth that we attribute to ourselves and our lives. As such, when our self-esteem is high, the feelings we have about ourselves are good. Likewise, when we are feeling badly about ourselves, self-esteem is considered low. This definition hardly provides a clear way of deeply understanding the complexities of self-esteem. As such, it might be helpful to envision self-esteem existing on a continuum — varying in degrees or aspects of our lives. It is within the context of a continuum that we can discuss where aspects of self-esteem feel more or less present than we might prefer or than is helpful in our lives.

As we consider what it means to be descriptive of self-esteem, it is important to ask questions and seek the meaning of the words that we use to describe our ways of thinking and feeling about ourselves. Language is powerful. When hearing messages reflecting esteem, I encourage you to ask more about those words. Be curious about what these words mean for the individual, how they experience that perspective, and when those ways of feeling show up in their life.

Self-esteem develops from the messages that we receive about ourselves. These messages may come from ourselves, in the presence of our society and culture, as well as from the individuals in our lives. Parents, teachers, friends and community members speak into our lives in powerful and meaningful ways that shape our experiences of ourselves and thus the messages that we carry about our value and worth. As you think of self-esteem on a continuum, where might you place certain messages that you have received about yourself and your value? Have these messages changed across time?

The messages we carry about ourselves have a tremendous impact in building self-esteem and in creating a significant sense of personal value and worth. What were the messages you were told growing up? Were you encouraged to believe that you were smart or wise, kind and compassionate, beautiful or handsome, valued and significant, cherished and worthy? Were you told you were lazy or dumb, ugly or fat, unskilled or unimportant? What are the words, non-verbal expressions, or behaviors you would use to describe the messages that you received about yourself? What do those words mean in how you view yourself today?

Take a moment to reflect on the following statements: I am a caring person and deserve to be treated with respect. I am capable of making decisions for myself. I can make mistakes and still be OK. I am talented and skillful. I am a good friend and loving family member. I am a strong person and enjoy being with others that honor me. How do you feel when reading these words? Do they ring true for you? Do you struggle to find yourself believing they apply to you? If so, what messages come instead?

The beliefs and feelings that we carry about ourselves have a significant and powerful effect upon the choices we make in our lives. Self-esteem influences the choices that we make regarding areas such as education, employment, as well as the use of alcohol and drugs. Where self-esteem is full and plentiful, the choices we make are life-giving, healthful and generative. Where self-esteem is challenged, life-choices tend to be destructive, jeopardizing, or apathetic. Likewise, relationships that we will develop are also inspired by the effects of self-esteem. Both friendships and intimate relationships are deeply shaped by the ways that we measure our value and worth in the world.

If you have heard painful and discouraging messages from those in your life, I encourage you to discover ways of rejecting and transforming such messages that have been spoken into your life. This ability is not easy and may be best inspired and possible through beginning a therapeutic relationship, as well as forming relationships with others that support new and preferred ways of feeling and thinking of yourself.

In addition to challenging and/or changing undesired messages, there are also actions and behaviors that can be engaged in to increase the beneficial ways that we experiences ourselves. Generally, participating in activities that are enjoyable and feel pleasurable are a helpful means of increasing one’s sense of self and enhancing preferred perspectives and experiences of oneself.

As a note to the adults and parents of our community, the ways that we speak into the lives of others is perhaps the most important contribution that you will ever bestow. As such, be intentional about expressing uplifting and encouraging messages to those in your life. In particular, children and adolescents thrive and flourish when they are told of their value and worth.

Shannon Renae West is a licensed family therapist serving families on the Eastside. She can be reached at (425) 415-6556 or via e-mail at ShanWest@msn.com.